To maintain a safe treatment, the skillful therapist needs to know about the creative strategies our brains employ to force the reliving of stored childhood feelings that are waiting to be metabolized. The therapist must be able to recognize the beginning of the metabolizing process in order to reframe painful and potentially dangerous experiences between […]
One of the basic tenets of Neurodynamic Couples Therapy is that human neurobiological programming surrounding mating is pointed toward the goal of metabolizing emotions that have been locked in our brains since childhood. We believe that this is a new, more scientifically informed way of viewing the old idea of repetition compulsion–not as a destructive […]
Couples come to us for treatment because they want to stop fighting and ease their pain. They are only in our offices because they have tried everything they know to do to accomplish these two things, and they think we have the magic to make it happen. The skill of the therapist is in helping […]
All of the previous guidelines I have shared about creating safety in couples treatment are in preparation for teaching a couple to be genuinely curious about each other’s internal worlds. In previous posts, I have frequently mentioned the need for the therapist to be in an openly curious state of mind, but here I will […]
Our clients who are continuing to blame others, clinging to the victim role in their relationship, or refusing to take responsibility for their own feelings and behaviors have not given up being someone’s child to become someone’s partner. They have failed to mourn the end of childhood. Our clients who have mourned the end of […]
Blame is one of those complicated concepts that is often misused. We humans frequently want to identify who is to blame when bad deeds are committed so they can be appropriately punished. Supposedly, it brings great relief to the injured to determine which individual or circumstance is to blame for their predicament. This also supports a […]
Refusing the victim or villain role requires exercising self-responsibility for one’s own actions, words, and feelings. Neither victims nor villains are behaving responsibly. Victims are denying self-care and self-motivation. Villains are denying care of the other and often behaving as if their actions are justified as retaliation for something the victim has done to them. […]
Almost all couples we see in treatment enter our offices literally or figuratively pointing their fingers at each other and pleading, “Make him/her stop hurting me.” They want us to determine which one of them is the villain, while both are insisting that they are the innocent victims of their partner’s bad behavior. This victims […]
In my last two posts I described how a therapist must think and behave in order to establish a safe treatment. Today we’re going to turn to the guidance the therapist must provide to help a couple be safe towards each other, although what is stated here must also be in the conceptualization and words of the […]
I love this image, because it helps me remember who is sitting in front of me in a couples therapy session. The picture could also show two little boys or two little girls–gender doesn’t change the approach. I do better treatment when I am reminded that there are two children here who desperately want me […]