“Maybe we’re just no...
Many a couple start their treatment with this statement or something similar. They have decided that their circular conflicts are being created by being too different and that perhaps they should just go their separate ways. Their brains are working overtime to avoid consciously feeling their matching pain from childhood. Almost every couple has some […]
Matching Pain in Couples
One of the seemingly magical elements of the neuropsychology of couples is that their brains hold matching pain. Mirror neurons cause the attraction of intimate partners to be nonconsciously dictated by highly similar unmetabolized painful emotions from childhood. A cornerstone of Neurodynamic Couples Therapy is that this process between partners who are falling in love is an […]
Bearing the Unbearable
Helping couples tolerate the pain that accompanies repairing dramas is about setting the stage for them to learn how to manage tremendous heartache. I once heard the entire process of psychotherapy boiled down to joining with our clients in bearing the unbearable. Couples come to us believing that their pain is unbearable, and we have […]
Helping Couples Tolerate Pain
We humans are somewhat “pain-phobic”. We don’t like it much–for good reasons. The most primitive parts of our brains equate pain with death, so it’s understandable why we are programmed to avoid it. Emotional pain can be even more difficult for us than physical pain, partly because it comes from sources we can’t see, and […]
Encouraging Deeper Exploration o...
In Neurodynamic Couples Therapy, the goal of repairing dramas is the metabolizing of feelings which have been exposed through a couple’s recycling dramas. The metabolizing of feelings is complete when they are validated and understood. Validating a feeling is the opposite of dismissing it. It is the antidote to the “You don’t really feel that […]
Translating Adult Conflicts into...
One of the earliest posts in this blog was about “The Eyes and Ears of the Children”. The content of that post was centered around reminding couples therapists who want to set a safe tone for treatment to maintain awareness of the two “children” who are sitting in front of them and desperately want to […]
Turning Recycling Dramas into Re...
The last several posts on this blog have described the purpose of recycling dramas in couple relationships and the four types of recycling dramas. A succinct statement of the goal of Neurodynamic Couples Therapy is to turn recycling dramas into repairing dramas. Couples have already been naturally experiencing recycling dramas before they come to treatment. The job […]
Addressing Shame/Reunion Dramas ...
The primary purpose that shame/reunion dramas fulfill in couple relationships is to bring the feeling of shame into conscious awareness so it can be metabolized. There are often secondary emotions being felt simultaneously, but shame is prominent. Because shame is one of those “hot potato” feelings that no one wants to be left holding, the roles in […]
Shame/Reunion Dramas
Shame is one of the most difficult and complicated feelings that human beings must grapple with in their life’s journey. It strikes at the heart of our vulnerability and sense of self. Shame can follow actions ranging from making a simple mistake to committing the most serious violations of society’s laws and mores. Neuroscientists have […]
Victims and Villains Dramas
When couples come for treatment, they have usually determined long ago which one of them is the victim and which one is the villain in most conflictual situations in their relationships–who is the “right” one and who is the “wrong” one; who is the “good” one and who is the “bad” one; who is the […]