Fostering Genuine Curiosity
All of the previous guidelines I have shared about creating safety in couples treatment are in preparation for teaching a couple to be genuinely curious about each other’s internal worlds. In previous posts, I have frequently mentioned the need for the therapist to be in an openly curious state of mind, but here I will […]
Mourning the End of Childhood
Our clients who are continuing to blame others, clinging to the victim role in their relationship, or refusing to take responsibility for their own feelings and behaviors have not given up being someone’s child to become someone’s partner. They have failed to mourn the end of childhood. Our clients who have mourned the end of […]
Stopping the Blame
Blame is one of those complicated concepts that is often misused. We humans frequently want to identify who is to blame when bad deeds are committed so they can be appropriately punished. Supposedly, it brings great relief to the injured to determine which individual or circumstance is to blame for their predicament. This also supports a […]
Taking Responsibility
Refusing the victim or villain role requires exercising self-responsibility for one’s own actions, words, and feelings. Neither victims nor villains are behaving responsibly. Victims are denying self-care and self-motivation. Villains are denying care of the other and often behaving as if their actions are justified as retaliation for something the victim has done to them. […]
Refusing the Victim or Villain R...
Almost all couples we see in treatment enter our offices literally or figuratively pointing their fingers at each other and pleading, “Make him/her stop hurting me.” They want us to determine which one of them is the villain, while both are insisting that they are the innocent victims of their partner’s bad behavior. This victims […]
Maintaining Desire and Commitmen...
In my last two posts I described how a therapist must think and behave in order to establish a safe treatment. Today we’re going to turn to the guidance the therapist must provide to help a couple be safe towards each other, although what is stated here must also be in the conceptualization and words of the […]
The Eyes and Ears of the Childre...
I love this image, because it helps me remember who is sitting in front of me in a couples therapy session. The picture could also show two little boys or two little girls–gender doesn’t change the approach. I do better treatment when I am reminded that there are two children here who desperately want me […]
Safety First
The most important element in a successful couples treatment is that the clients feel safe with each other and with the therapist. The emotionally difficult work that they will be called upon to do in treatment cannot happen unless safety is guaranteed. What do I mean by safety? First, the partners must agree to be […]