Regulating vs. Metabolizing
The goal of affect regulation came to the forefront of therapeutic wisdom in the mid-1990’s, primarily through the work of the neuroscientist, Allan Schore. In his writing, he advocated that any effective psychotherapy had to address the dysregulated emotions that are stored in the right hemisphere of the brain. Other researchers and experts (i.e., Daniel […]
Mutual Emotional Triggers
The emotional triggers that spark conflicts between intimate partners are well-known: he says he’s going out with friends from work, his husband feels rejected, his partner gets angry; she asks for more time to talk, her husband gets angry and defensive, she feels guilty; she tells her wife she’s disappointed in her, her wife bursts […]
Building an Integrated Relations...
Therapists who are helping couples build an integrated relationship are committed to fostering curiosity in both partners. Painful, repetitive, circular conflicts are interpreted as invitations to metabolize unintegrated feelings–not as differences to be negotiated and resolved. Partners are encouraged to ask themselves, “Why is this argument bothering me this particular way at this particular moment?” […]
Integration–The “Hol...
Neuroscientists who link their discoveries to psychotherapeutic interventions have clearly articulated that integration is the ultimate goal of any effective mental health treatment. What is this elusive integration they speak of? We are all familiar with the word integration in regard to cultural and racial diversity. It is the mingling of disparate parts into a whole that […]
“Maybe we’re just no...
Many a couple start their treatment with this statement or something similar. They have decided that their circular conflicts are being created by being too different and that perhaps they should just go their separate ways. Their brains are working overtime to avoid consciously feeling their matching pain from childhood. Almost every couple has some […]
Matching Pain in Couples
One of the seemingly magical elements of the neuropsychology of couples is that their brains hold matching pain. Mirror neurons cause the attraction of intimate partners to be nonconsciously dictated by highly similar unmetabolized painful emotions from childhood. A cornerstone of Neurodynamic Couples Therapy is that this process between partners who are falling in love is an […]
Bearing the Unbearable
Helping couples tolerate the pain that accompanies repairing dramas is about setting the stage for them to learn how to manage tremendous heartache. I once heard the entire process of psychotherapy boiled down to joining with our clients in bearing the unbearable. Couples come to us believing that their pain is unbearable, and we have […]
Helping Couples Tolerate Pain
We humans are somewhat “pain-phobic”. We don’t like it much–for good reasons. The most primitive parts of our brains equate pain with death, so it’s understandable why we are programmed to avoid it. Emotional pain can be even more difficult for us than physical pain, partly because it comes from sources we can’t see, and […]
Encouraging Deeper Exploration o...
In Neurodynamic Couples Therapy, the goal of repairing dramas is the metabolizing of feelings which have been exposed through a couple’s recycling dramas. The metabolizing of feelings is complete when they are validated and understood. Validating a feeling is the opposite of dismissing it. It is the antidote to the “You don’t really feel that […]
Translating Adult Conflicts into...
One of the earliest posts in this blog was about “The Eyes and Ears of the Children”. The content of that post was centered around reminding couples therapists who want to set a safe tone for treatment to maintain awareness of the two “children” who are sitting in front of them and desperately want to […]