The theoretical foundations, structure and techniques of Neurodynamic Couples Therapy provide built-in motivators that enhance a couple’s desire to stay in treatment. Those primary motivators are hope, respect and mutual understanding.
Most people who seek mental health treatment are experiencing some level of hopelessness, so it logically follows that all good treatment should provide hope for improvement. A central element of Neurodynamic Couples Therapy that conveys hope is our approach to all couple conflicts as normal. We work to help couples view their conflicts as natural, right-brain-generated processes to expose unmetabolized feelings so they can be verbalized–not as problems.
Utilizing our non-pathologizing approach, therapists emphasize that neither partner has something “wrong” with them, and their conflicts do not represent that their relationship is “broken.” Hope is encouraged with observations which emphasize that their conflicts are a natural and unavoidable part of their relationship and nonconscious attempts to help each other heal.
A couple’s experience of safety in treatment is heightened through respect for the roles that both partners are playing in their conflicts. Both roles are necessary to create the enactments that form the scripts of the conflicts; no one is ever seen as “the bad guy” or “the good guy” or “the instigator” and “the innocent bystander.” The therapist works to fully understand the parts that both partners are nonconsciously compelled to play to bring old feelings to the surface, rather than seeing either partner’s behavior as problematic.
The respectful couple therapist thinks, “I know that what both of you are doing is absolutely the only way that your right-brain system can mutually heal each other, so I cannot make any judgments about your character or development.” Respectful therapists tolerate and immerse themselves in emotionally and behaviorally challenging moments to grant space for the roles that partners must play to expose traumas, wounds and losses. Present-day conceptualizers of psychopathology within the mental health professions have admitted that historically we have disrespected our patients’ early experiences with trauma through labeling them as “ill.”
The respectful process of exploration to discover the sources of the roles that couples are enacting with each other yields deep understanding. The long-term and consistent effort the therapist exerts to reach genuine understanding is likely a new experience for a couple. They feel gratified to be approached with curiosity about what it has been like to be them, rather than being told how they must change. The ongoing message to the couple is that all of their feelings are humanly normal and understandable reactions to what they have lived–not a sign that they are defective.
Motivating couples to stay in treatment automatically arises from conveying to the partners that the system they have created together is the perfect avenue for helping each other. The Neurodynamic Couples therapist joins their system to buoy their strength to travel together through the pain generated in their helpful conflicts and translate it into healing.
Next post: Motivating the therapist