Dramas of Opposites
Most people are familiar with the phenomenon of opposites attracting — the introvert marries the extrovert; the saver chooses the spender; the debutante ends up with the guy from “the wrong side of the tracks”. When the opposite characteristics of partners are consciously enjoyed as a form of balance in their relationship, they are not […]
Recycling Dramas
The reliving strategies that were described in the previous post are some of the building blocks for recycling dramas. Together the brains of intimate partners nonconsciously create interactions in current life that take the form of dramatic dialogues that come out of childhood memories. These dialogues have a scripted quality that replicate the feelings from their […]
The Reliving Strategies of Our B...
To maintain a safe treatment, the skillful therapist needs to know about the creative strategies our brains employ to force the reliving of stored childhood feelings that are waiting to be metabolized. The therapist must be able to recognize the beginning of the metabolizing process in order to reframe painful and potentially dangerous experiences between […]
Metabolizing Emotions
One of the basic tenets of Neurodynamic Couples Therapy is that human neurobiological programming surrounding mating is pointed toward the goal of metabolizing emotions that have been locked in our brains since childhood. We believe that this is a new, more scientifically informed way of viewing the old idea of repetition compulsion–not as a destructive […]
The Goal of Couples Treatment
Couples come to us for treatment because they want to stop fighting and ease their pain. They are only in our offices because they have tried everything they know to do to accomplish these two things, and they think we have the magic to make it happen. The skill of the therapist is in helping […]
Fostering Genuine Curiosity
All of the previous guidelines I have shared about creating safety in couples treatment are in preparation for teaching a couple to be genuinely curious about each other’s internal worlds. In previous posts, I have frequently mentioned the need for the therapist to be in an openly curious state of mind, but here I will […]
Mourning the End of Childhood
Our clients who are continuing to blame others, clinging to the victim role in their relationship, or refusing to take responsibility for their own feelings and behaviors have not given up being someone’s child to become someone’s partner. They have failed to mourn the end of childhood. Our clients who have mourned the end of […]
Stopping the Blame
Blame is one of those complicated concepts that is often misused. We humans frequently want to identify who is to blame when bad deeds are committed so they can be appropriately punished. Supposedly, it brings great relief to the injured to determine which individual or circumstance is to blame for their predicament. This also supports a […]
Taking Responsibility
Refusing the victim or villain role requires exercising self-responsibility for one’s own actions, words, and feelings. Neither victims nor villains are behaving responsibly. Victims are denying self-care and self-motivation. Villains are denying care of the other and often behaving as if their actions are justified as retaliation for something the victim has done to them. […]
Refusing the Victim or Villain R...
Almost all couples we see in treatment enter our offices literally or figuratively pointing their fingers at each other and pleading, “Make him/her stop hurting me.” They want us to determine which one of them is the villain, while both are insisting that they are the innocent victims of their partner’s bad behavior. This victims […]