Mutual Empathy
The previous blog post ended with the question “What comes after wondering?” The answer is mutual empathy. Wondering and exploring about the meanings of intimate partners’ triggers and the feelings they expose must lead to empathy in order for metabolizing to occur. I have had occasions when a consultee will say about a couple, “They seem […]
The “Wondering” Spou...
The ability to wonder is an amazing capacity of the human mind. Wondering springs from genuine interest in knowing what happened, what was its meaning, who was involved, what did they feel and why. One school of psychological thought says that in order to be able to wonder we must be able to mentalize. This basically […]
What to Say That Fits the Frame
As I have written about before, the goal of Neurodynamic Couples Therapy is the metabolizing of emotions that leads to integration. We believe that this process is a naturally healing function of partner relationships. So, whatever the therapist says during treatment should be in service of fostering the metabolizing process. We want our clients to […]
Maintaining the Therapeutic Fram...
All types of therapies have a therapeutic frame that defines the boundary around what the therapy is and what it is not; what it does and what it does not do. Neurodynamic Couples Therapy is a right-brain therapy; many other forms of couples treatment are left-brain therapies. It is outside the frame of Neurodynamic Couples […]
The Roles of the Couples Therapi...
The roles that couples therapists perform with their clients depend on the approach to therapy that they prefer. They can be advisors, experts, coaches, educators, facilitators, provokers, observers, diagnosers and many other roles throughout the course of the treatment. Here I want to clarify which roles the neurodynamic couples therapist does and does not perform. […]
Regulating vs. Metabolizing
The goal of affect regulation came to the forefront of therapeutic wisdom in the mid-1990’s, primarily through the work of the neuroscientist, Allan Schore. In his writing, he advocated that any effective psychotherapy had to address the dysregulated emotions that are stored in the right hemisphere of the brain. Other researchers and experts (i.e., Daniel […]
Mutual Emotional Triggers
The emotional triggers that spark conflicts between intimate partners are well-known: he says he’s going out with friends from work, his husband feels rejected, his partner gets angry; she asks for more time to talk, her husband gets angry and defensive, she feels guilty; she tells her wife she’s disappointed in her, her wife bursts […]
Building an Integrated Relations...
Therapists who are helping couples build an integrated relationship are committed to fostering curiosity in both partners. Painful, repetitive, circular conflicts are interpreted as invitations to metabolize unintegrated feelings–not as differences to be negotiated and resolved. Partners are encouraged to ask themselves, “Why is this argument bothering me this particular way at this particular moment?” […]
Integration–The “Hol...
Neuroscientists who link their discoveries to psychotherapeutic interventions have clearly articulated that integration is the ultimate goal of any effective mental health treatment. What is this elusive integration they speak of? We are all familiar with the word integration in regard to cultural and racial diversity. It is the mingling of disparate parts into a whole that […]
“Maybe we’re just no...
Many a couple start their treatment with this statement or something similar. They have decided that their circular conflicts are being created by being too different and that perhaps they should just go their separate ways. Their brains are working overtime to avoid consciously feeling their matching pain from childhood. Almost every couple has some […]