It is distressing to me that I hear from therapists with increasing frequency, “I don’t treat couples anymore.” When I ask them why, the answer is usually some version of “It’s too hard.” “Too hard?” I ask. “Yes; there are too many emotions flying around the room at once, and I can’t keep up with what is going on. So I just end up feeling overwhelmed, and the couple quits coming because they aren’t getting any better.”
Doesn’t sound very rewarding. That overwhelmed feeling and its accompanying sense of incompetence are significant risks of treating couples. It is, in fact, “harder” to be faced with two sets of regressed, dysregulated emotions rather than the one set we experience in individual therapy. It is hard to resist taking sides, particularly when one partner seems so much more reasonable than the other.
As with any other form of psychotherapy that deals with the nonconscious portions of the brain, neurodynamic couples therapists risk becoming part of a couple’s system in a way that will access their own unconscious vulnerabilities as a part of the healing process. There are multiple transferences happening simultaneously and instantaneously. I have been known to say that I need a “score card” to keep up!
These risks of doing couple therapy often result in therapists not feeling good about themselves, and they either quit doing couple treatment or–in desperation–resort to prescripted forms of therapy that are basically designed to control the partners’ behaviors. The rewards of doing couple therapy begin when the therapist relinquishes control of the process to the three-person therapeutic system that holds the natural healing power; when the therapist develops a calming curiosity that is more about exploring questions than determining answers; when the therapist accepts that feeling overwhelmed, anxious or confused is a useful part of the treatment, rather than a sign of incompetence.
I recently heard a beautiful story about a preschool teacher that illustrates the conditions for reaping rewards from couple therapy. My friend was visiting her grandson’s classroom for 5-year-olds. The teacher had asked the children to sit down for a group activity, but one boy refused to follow her direction. Instead of scolding or coercing the child to comply, she turned to the rest of the class and asked, “What should we do about Ashton not joining the group?” The other children eagerly offered suggestions, some useful, some punitive. Together the group came up with a solution that suited Ashton, and he joined the activity.
This teacher conveyed trust in her students and trust in the system that they had created together to heal the problem. She provided a growth experience for these children that excluded the temptation to shame anyone and showed Ashton that he was a valued member of the system.
This type of trust is the source of much of the healing that produces a significant reward of doing couple therapy.
Next post: Trusting the system