Carolyn and Brad had been married 35 years when they showed up at my office for couple treatment to salvage their retirement years. (These are fictitious names, and I have their permission to share their story.) Carolyn quickly stated that she could not let go of her anger at Brad for the affair he had had 20 years prior.
Carolyn: “I can’t stop being angry at him for what he did to me.”
Brad: “But I have told you over and over that I’m sorry. What I did to you was terrible and I feel awful about myself for putting you through that.”
Carolyn: “I don’t think you really understand yet how painful the whole thing was for me. I was stuck at home taking care of our children while you were away getting involved with another woman.” [She begins to cry.] “How could you do that if you really loved me?”
Brad: “I don’t know why I did it, but I DO really love you!”
Carolyn: “No, you don’t, or it wouldn’t have happened.” [And Carolyn proceeds to repeat these words over and over until Brad finally explodes.]
Brad: “Okay! You’re right! I don’t love you!!” [He storms out of my office, and the session is over.]
Future sessions–
Therapist: “Carolyn, what is it like for you to feel that you aren’t loved?”
Carolyn: “I was molested by a man who lived next door to my parents’ house when I was 6 years old. Those neighbors quickly moved away when my parents found out what he had done. For some reason, my mother stayed in touch with them. When I was 18, she invited them to Christmas dinner at our house and told me to be nice to them! That’s only one of many times she made me feel unloved.”
Therapist: “So your brain found a way to keep feeling unloved by Brad until you were ready to connect that feeling to childhood trauma. Brad, what is it like for you to feel that you are unloving?”
Brad: “My mother was very hard to please. She easily got upset when things didn’t go her way. If I didn’t do something the way she wanted me to, she would throw up her arms and scream at me, ‘If you loved me, you would do what I asked!’ When that happened, I would jump on my bicycle and ride away. I guess she basically told me that I was unloving, so after years of arguments in my marriage, I ‘rode away.'”
Obviously, this is a condensed version of many hours of therapy, but it illustrates tackling the hard work of integration. Their intersubjective system had found a way to relive feeling unloved and unloving, and the therapy gave them sufficient safety and time to thoroughly express their emotions about their childhood traumas. By the end of treatment, Carolyn said her anger was gone, and they were enjoying their retirement.
Next post: Finding the right words